Essential Tension
Everything you want in life is equally attractive. But everything is not equally possible.
The title of this piece was “The Courage of Simplicity”
“Be careful not to offer your burnt offerings in just any place you see; you must offer them only in the place the LORD will choose in one of your tribal territories, and there you shall do all that I command you.”
With the dubious “help” of social media, I get to imagine myself as making great sacrifices for an imaginary greater good.
Meanwhile, I’m not living heartily in my actual life. In the false belief that all my really important dreams can come true (and they are all “really important”), I can easily find myself in all kinds of false urgencies, and avoiding all the choices that would actually benefit me on a Tuesday morning.
You may have heard that the root meaning of the word “decide” is to put to death all other options. Much like the words “homicide” or “suicide”. Whenever you truly “decide”, a host of other equally attractive options must die.
Stick with me. I’m hoping to depress you in order to bless you.
Scrolling IG and Pinterest, looking at the highlight reels of others, it is easy for me to imagine myself fifteen pounds thinner, the best pastor’s wife and friend possible - available to all my friends whenever they need me, and running a half-marathon (for the love of all that’s real - running a 5K would be a fantasy for me right now!). In my Ideal Life, all my meals are made with my own two tiny hands from Cook Beautiful. I’m traveling from city to city on my book tour, while living in the beautiful countryside - with a garden. I’m simultaneously thrilling The Preacher as a wife, while enjoying the final decade or so of my grandkids’ childhoods. (Who else do you know gets to go through the “empty nest” twice?! Some of my friends are so envious of our “culdesac life”, and the way three of my grands live literally next door. But that also means that I will experience the pain of empty nesting twice. Kill me now.)
I mean…come on. Look at these creative, respectful kids - who adore us. This is going to hurt, someday.
When I put it that way, showing you all those important, awesome, special goals of mine, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that in my actual life, I end up having to daily “kill my darlings”.
Not the grandkids - goodlord, how could you think that?!
“Killing my darlings”, means I have to DECIDE. I have to prayerfully choose where to “make my sacrifice”, i.e. invest my time, talent, and treasure.
That’s the part that the thirty-something self development/success girl-gurus aren’t telling you. Sure, they might have accomplished everything I mentioned above.
But not all in the first half of life. And they aren’t still doing it.
Wildly valuable parts of their life have had to die a slow, painful death - either by decision or attrition.
Truly, anyone who pretends for a moment that chasing her every dream is the best way to live, will eventually have dirt all over her face, as she apologizes to everyone who bought her books. Profusely.
Again, let me depress you, so I can bless you.
Sure, I could seem really nice by telling you what you want to hear, instead of what you need to hear…
I could write a book telling you to chase it all. And I could make money off you, so long as I keep you dreaming about everything you want to be, have, and do if you visualize it and work really hard. And you would likely believe me, and buy my next book. And come to my event.
I could keep you busy for years, and get my second house in Maui, so long as I can keep you fantasizing that you can, indeed, have #allthethings . Well. Maybe not all the things. How about most of the things? You just need to keep tweaking your morning routine, and use my planner.
Problem is, the moment you make the first decision about your real life, in your real world…
…something will have to die. Your real life will be disappointing compared to your “dreams”. That’s tragic. That is the very definition of midlife crisis.
“The idea of the future, pregnant with an infinity of possibilities, is thus more fruitful that the future itself.”
Why aren’t more grandmothers writing the books?
So I’m here to tell you the truth: without making careful choices as to what to keep and what to kill, you will end up losing the very sense of purpose that you thought “having big dreams” would give you.
Especially if you are a follower of Jesus. For us who love Him, there is an essential tension to living a called life.
For us, the very essence of our calling is found in the everyday, the mundane, the ordinary.
“It is not necessary to have great things to do. I turn my little omelet in the pan for the love of God.”
“Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold...”
The truth is, all of life involves making decisions. And making decisions involves death. We get to choose what dies, so that the better thing can live. The glory is this: What dies can be offered up to the Lord as a sacrifice. It can be counted as worship, when we choose - when we decide - according to God’s actual plan for our lives, and not what we wish His plan for our lives would be.
“But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”
Every real world choice involves the demise of untold numbers of other choices. So there’s no reason to put it off any longer, hoping that someday, if you buy the right book, you can have all the important things. You won’t have to decide.
Shoot it. Pull the trigger. “Choose you this day Who you will serve.”
Embrace that suck. It’s the essential tension that comes with serving more than just yourself. It’s what makes the sacrifice of praise, the sacrifice of praise. Kill your darlings. You’ll find yourself deeply thankful for the few things you’ve chosen to let live.
May we never find ourselves lacking gratitude and wonder. May we never find ourselves charmed more by our fantasy, than we are by our reality.
“If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches...”
Beautifying the Inside of Hearts, Heads, and Homes
I felt utterly inferior. The results of that “values assessment” I took decades ago seemed clear (to me): I wasn’t devoted enough.
…a screen grab of the intro video to an online course to be launched later this year…
The book guided me well. The early chapters were devoted to the idea that nothing short of gut-level honesty was going to work. If I responded from an inner position of “how I WISH I was gifted” and “how I WISH I was wired”, or “copying the values of the women I most admire”, the results would be forever skewed - and that’s actually dangerous. Whole callings, entire opportunities for life-long community with others, have been forfeited, all because people don’t understand what “truth in the inward parts” really means.
“Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.”
My mama and I…I was about four years old.
For the first time, I got to the very, very heart of what truly motivates me. What has always motivated me, from the time I was a little girl: B E A U T Y
I’ve been a beauty chaser for as long as I can remember.
Lots of different things are the top values of lots of different leaders. Things like hard work, integrity, courage, and persistence. I have to admit, I wanted my “top value” to sound substantive. But there it was. There was no pretending it away - not anymore. My top value was beauty.
And twenty-five years ago, that made me feel like I didn’t fit in with other Christians, pastors, pastor’s wives, and Bible teachers. Shouldn’t “truth” be my top value? Or, even more ubiquitous and subjective, shouldn’t my top value be “love”? How on earth could a person with “beauty” as their TOP value be someone God could partner with? Where was the connection to “beauty”, and this gospel I was laying my life down to model to my church?
(In 2020 and 2021, our church leadership decided to make this small, old, red brick church building with rose colored carpet, someplace beautiful. As soon as we began to move forward, by stark, naked faith, on the long standing (and fiercely resisted, in the spiritual realm) vision to make our space handicap accessible upstairs and down, with beauty at the forefront and guiding every choice connected to that goal, the finances poured in, above and beyond what we could ask for imagine…anonymous donations, outside our church and inside, poured in - six figures worth!)
That was then. Fast forward to 55 year old Sheila Atchley.
In the decades since I first felt ashamed of my beauty chasing, I have come to understand that beauty is one of God’s “top values”. It took me til well past middle age to accept my original design, and lean into beauty. Once I did so, the revelation into the deep wisdom that is true beauty began to fill my spirit. And my art began to sell. And sell.
And I found myself soaking in the beauty of Paris, France; championing beauty in Bellagio, Italy; and teaching beauty in New England and Woodstock, Vermont in blazingly beautiful fall - but that’s another story.
There is the theology of beauty. The ministry of beauty. The truth of beauty. The comfort of beauty. The wisdom of beauty.
“Beauty Defies Despair”.
Studies indicate that our capacity to respond to beauty is directly related to our capacity to experience love. And everyone knows that our capacity to give love depends on our capacity to receive it, FIRST.
The experience of beauty activates neural pathways that contain the chemicals we need to calm the fear and stress response. In short: beauty really does defy despair.
Find it. Create it. Experience it. Conjure it in all your close companionships. Make sure you can see it on your plate. Cook it and feed it to your loves. Healthy food is beautiful in ways no cramped elimination diets or packaged food can ever be.
Acknowledge the beauty in the pages of Scripture. And in your mirror.
In Genesis, God placed mankind smack-dab in the middle of overwhelming beauty, and told us to tend it. God makes true-truth to be beautifully true to the true believer. Otherwise, truth would feel obscure, inaccessible, and worst of all, undesirable.
my (sold) original, titled “True Pioneering Friends”
When I was younger, I had “friends” who critiqued my pursuit of beauty - all the way down to, one particular couple, questioning my desire to purchase a used couch for our family, when we had no couch at all, at the time.
You see - it was a used couch, but it was a pretty one to me. Thus, it was seen as a frivolous expense - made by a pastor’s wife who had no net spendable income to speak of…and everyone knew it.
If the person who sat me down to question my motives about buying that used couch were still around today, I would say to them: Thank you. With all my heart.
Because the moment my Heavenly Father - and my sweet husband - were aware that it happened, they both said to me, “Oh. You HAVE to get the couch. You are my beloved, and I want you to have it.”
I don’t have a speck of bitterness towards the persons who sat me down to caution me about “the love of money” and to seriously question (with near-tears) the wisdom of my desire to have a pretty couch - I think they literally didn’t know any better. I am assuming that they have changed and grown since then. Besides, that little incident sparked the beginning of an ever-increasing revelation in my heart into the importance of beauty - and you might even could say it made me the artist I am today.
I also learned that day, how polarizing beauty can be, even if it is simply a pretty couch that maybe costs more than a couch for a poor family “should”.
See, so much of true beauty is for beauty’s sake. It is not utilitarian. Therefore, if you are dealing with jealous or competitive people, they will resort to religious sounding reasons to belittle it. Jealousy seeks to diminish the beauty of others’ relationships, others’ reputation, belongings, children, and ministry. Ask me how I know.
That couch has long since probably disintegrated in a landfill. (We gave it away when we, unapologetically, got the next beautiful couch!). But it is still teaching me today. Jealousy wants beauty, but only in the service of self. Jealousy will only “draw near” to a leader who walks in beauty, to siphon off the energy of what is beautiful about them, and secretly appropriate it to their own advantage, rather than openly celebrating what is beautiful about them.
(one of my earliest sold originals, titled “Looking Back”)
I only look back on that incident to celebrate, not castigate. I look back to learn, not stick my thumbs in my ears, wriggle the other eight fingers, and whisper, “Whatever, jackwagons!”
Okay. Maybe I did do that. Once.
I hear a lot about small businesses having a “Mission Statement”. I hear a lot about people having personal “Mission Statements”, and families having a “Family Mission Statement”. Been there, done #allthethings and I’m actually not that big a fan of the typical mission statement.
Not when they are (as they so often are, or can be) utterly contrived.
So it is only after decades of learning, tears, wrestling, studying, and praying, that I (sort of) have a “Mission Statement”, today…at 55 years old. It isn’t stamped on a cuff, or written in stone. You won’t find me choosing an Instagram handle based on some new, midlife, contrived persona.
No. This “mission statement” of mine is who I have always been, and it is who God made me to be - which, wisely, is not a “mother” or “wife” or even “Bible teacher”.
God made me to be His daughter, and a lover of beauty. Full stop. And that identity is so valuable - like all things true, it has been the master key that has opened every lock, and has, many times, taken me places no one “in my income bracket” should have been able to go.
Here is my “Mission Statement”:
I am here to serve others by beautifying the inside of hearts, heads, and homes through my words and art.
Maybe you need to figure out how you are truly wired and gifted, too? It takes truth in the inward parts. It takes setting aside how you wish you were wired and gifted. It takes valuing your own original design, and celebrating - not appropriating - the original design of the people you most admire.
You’ll never be sorry that you figured it out, though.
And, may I add to this already-too-long post, to whisper, “It’s never too late to begin.”
